Well, now you can! Just grab one off the list here and send it on it’s way, preceding it with a simple change around for what suits you best!

Should raise a smirk at least!

One liners to take the place of the word ‘fucking’ …………..

beef injection
blow off the loose corns
boff
bone
bump fur
bump uglies
bury your wick
bury the bone
bush patrol
buzz the brillo cane
dance the mattress jig
diddle
dig your stinger in the honey
dip your stick
dip your wick
dirty work at the crossroads
do a dive in the dark
do a slide up the board
do the horizontal bop
do the nasty
feather-bed jig
feed the dummy
fix her plumbing
flesh session
flop in the hay
four-legged frolic
get jack in the orchard
get your ashes hauled
get your leather stretched
get your noodle wet
get your oil changed
get some tweeze
get your bean waxed
get your pole varnished
give her a stab
go all the way
go like a belt-fed motor
grease the wheel
hanky-panky
have a bit of giblet pie
hide the ferret
hide the salami
horizontal refreshment
join paunches
jump your bones
make feet for children’s shoes
make the beast with two backs
mingle limbs
mix your peanut butter
park your yacht in the hair harbor
peel your best end
plant your oats
play at all fours
play hide the bone
pocket the red
pocket the brown
put the tool in the shed
quimstick
rites of venus
roast the broomstick
shake the sheets
shoot between wind and water
shoot your wad
short arm practice
sink the sausage
sink the soldier
slip her a length
squat on the hog
squat jumps in the cucumber patch
squeeze and a squirt
take a turn in the stubble
take a turn on shooter’s hill
tear off a piece
the disappearing cane trick
the matrimonial polka
thread the needle
throw a hump
tie the true lover’s knot
tip the long one
tool in the woods
trim the buff
the Rhine tumble
varnish one’s cane
work the hairy oracle

he smiles, looks at her and asks

‘Want me to fuck you again baby?’

she looks up at him and says

 ”no thanks, just playing with ur cock

cos i really do miss mine”

Spilt my coffee reading that one – thnx TB.

Nice one Sara – thanks!

Man goes to doctors

“I’ve been raped by an elephant”

Doctor looks & says

“funny, ur ass is 10″ wide

but an elephant’s cock is only 3″ wide”

Man replies “yes, but …….

the bastard fingered me 1st!

No animals were harmed in the writing of this text!

Old chinese proverb say

 ”man with erection

walking through door sideways

is always going to Bangkok”

Read it and then ask yourself one simple question.

How would I feel if my partner sent this to me?

Without doubt or arguement, this is the best, most effective dirty text message that you can send out.

“I had 2 txt 2 tell u

Holy Cow – U R AMAZING!

Last night when we made luv

u blew my mind

& sent every nerve in my body

totally crazy when I came.

I want u so much right now,

can we do it again tonight – please?”

Adapt the beginning of the third line to a timescale that makes sense to you – obviously if you didn’t make love last night, select a time when you did. Also adapt when you want to do it again too – make it more real to the both of you.

 If it’s been a while and you want to get things rolling again, just say ‘Last time we made luv’ – that’ll work just as well.

This message works on so many levels:-

1 – You are taking time and effort to text them = you care

2 – You are praising their ability and skill = they are special

3 – They can make you feel good = they have skill in love making

4 – You want to do it again = you really want them

5 – You are saying Please = you are being honest

Try it and see – send me a comment back to this post and let’s see how it works for people!

“let me explain

 how i’m feeling

in the fewest words.

I want u inside me,

then sleeping beside me”

Awww – thank you Sharon of London, nice one!

“Babe, have 2 tell U wot

people r saying behind ur back!

NICE ASS!!”

U’ve got sex appeal,

U’ve got style,

 U’ve got intelligence

 & a sexy smile.

 U’ve got the face

 & U’ve got the body

..and OOPS

I’ve got the wrong fucking number..

SORRY!

“Do you take me to be

ur lawfully fuckable sexmate

2 fuck and 2 suck,

in 69ers and various positions

against walls and on the stairs,

in private and in public

till the orgasm do us part?”

“Press down please

1 more time

OK more. YES

ahh, ohh,

yes just there yeah baby

harder, HARDER,

this feels SO GOOD!

mmm yeah baby

now THAT’S

TEXTUAL INTERCOURSE!! ”